The Trump Visit Part I



July 20th 2018- As It Lands

Now the rain’s coming, snarling up traffic out past Lang’ata, with unconfirmed reports that there’s a line of buses all the way out to Thika town proper. Everyone has existed for the last several days in a state of resigned depression, each announcement falling on duller ears than the last one did. Trump’s coming! And politicians are shitting themselves into a state of perpetual pander, all ready to stroke the comb over of fascism and just hope against hope he doesn’t cut off their contracts at the knees for helping out ‘foreign threats’ all of whom ‘just so happened to be Somali’.

The wariness at its zenith, Nairobians have been preparing their eyes for the amount of eye rolling that will be needed across the blitzkrieg-quick six hour Trump visit to Nairobi. Weeks earlier, some long-since fired journalist caught the 45th president asking an aide about the possibility of Ebola during his meeting to Kenya’s State House causing a panel of old white men from Boston to discuss the offensive nature of his comments on CNN while another hurricane ravaged New Orleans.

How had he made it this long in office? No one outside America was quite sure. It was now 18 months into his Presidency and nearly 12 months since publicly calling Angela Merkel an “unfuckable hag” during a World War II memorial brunch at the newly launched (and possibly illegal) Trump International Hotel of Arlington Texas. None of that mattered now; it was time to brace for emotional impact.

The overall feeling of inevitable fuck ups was pervasive throughout Nairobi, with the Runda crowd and the Lavington lavish doubling down on imported canned salmon and Unga powder (just in case the ruffling of feathers got too real for their gilded version of reality).

For the last 60 hours, hired help has been dashing around the highways of Nairobi, hastily painting everything with a pyrite-tint of spray paint in order to better appeal to the worser angels of human nature that will soon descend on the Green City. A ‘border fence’ is allegedly being thrown up in front of several areas that may cause Trump a sudden onset attack of emotional distress from seeing people who aren’t white or unabashedly wealthy.

It’s now crunch time in Nairobi, and all the ‘parade’ routes have been set and guarded by an Israeli-trained contingent of the GSU. Once again for the next six hours, it’s time to batten down the hatches of dignity and swallow deep and hard on the new American paradigm that’s arrived to Kenyan shores.

And the wheels touch down…


Alex Roberts
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Alex Roberts is a Nairobi based freelance journalist who, when not writing rants, beautiful articles or screaming at Trump on Facebook is pursuing a masters degree at USIU